


more than begin but less than forget

by goatlife



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, post episode 92
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22474432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goatlife/pseuds/goatlife
Summary: After confronting her past, Beau looks for a way around confronting her present. Caduceus is perceptive and offers perspective.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 4
Kudos: 119





	more than begin but less than forget

After departing from the Lionett estate, the Mighty Nein opted to begin heading north immediately instead of staying at an inn. Beau had no desire to spend any longer in her hometown and none of her companions could blame her. They had been walking for several miles in the seemingly endless rain before the somewhat tense silence was broken.

“Can we fucking sleep already?” Nott asked. 

Even though they hadn’t gotten especially far, it had been an extremely long day.

“Ja, whatever you want.” Caleb replied. 

They all nodded and responded in agreement, knowing this stretch of the quest was for Nott and it should be on her terms. They found a decent clearing to set up camp and Caleb started performing his ritual to cast Leomund’s Tiny Hut so they would be sheltered for the evening. Jester began passing around the hand warming stick. They were all drenched and the heat made them feel a bit better.

“I think I’ll keep watch.” Caduceus said, “Better to be safe.”

“Good idea, the briefly reformed syphilis bandits might be after us after stealing their pelts and shooting them with an arrow.” Fjord joked.

“They left me no choice.” Nott replied, glaring at Fjord.

“It truly seemed that way.” Yasha agreed, sarcastically. At least, they thought it was sarcastically, they still sometimes had trouble knowing when she was joking.

“I’ll stay up with you.” Beau offered, quietly. She knew she would be up for a while anyways.

Caduceus smiled. “That’s great, I appreciate the company.”

Caduceus handed out the food orbs they had found in the Happy Fun Ball so everyone would have something in their stomachs for the evening. While the group was winding down and going through their nightly rituals, Beau sheepishly pulled Jester aside.

“Thank you for today. For everything. I, uh, I don’t know if I could’ve gotten through it without you guys. Especially you.” Beau stammered, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Of course, Beau. I’m sorry they were so horrible to you.”

“Yeah, I know it was probably pretty, uh, uncomfortable. Sorry about that.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m glad we could be there for you.” Jester looked so sincere, Beau could practically feel her heart melt.

“Thanks Jes.” Beau replied softly, sniffling a little. “Anyways, you should probably get some rest.”

Jester gave her a soft smile and pulled her in for a hug.

“Goodnight Beau.” She said softly into her neck.

“Night Jes.” She prayed to Ioun that Jester couldn’t hear her heartbeat.

When Jester released her, Beau couldn’t help but take her in, but looking at her was almost too much. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was to have met her. Sometimes she didn’t know if she deserved to. She had helped her confront her parents, something that was practically inconceivable. She started to wish she could just get lost in Jester’s incomparable violet eyes and then, suddenly realizing her train of thought, she looked down abruptly, coughing, hoping she hadn’t maintained eye contact for too long. She quickly turned away and walked toward Caduceus.

“Cool as a cucumber. You can reply to this message” Beau heard Nott’s voice quietly inside her head.

“I’m going to fucking kill you.” Beau whispered.

“I was only invisible so that I could scout safely. Do you really think I wanted to stumble across whatever the fuck that was? You can reply to this message”

“Goodnight Nott” Beau sighed.

“Goodnight. Don’t reply to this message.”

Beau rolled her eyes, closing the distance between her and Caduceus and sitting down next to him on a petrified log. They sat in a comfortable silence, listening to the sounds of the night around them and their friends slowly falling asleep.

“You did great back there.” Caduceus said eventually.

“Thank you.” Beau paused. “That means a lot. It’s a lot to process”

“It’ll all work out however it’s supposed to.”

“Yeah.” Beau agreed. She wished she could feel purpose and destiny like Caduceus did. Beau pulled out the bottle she had swiped from her parents’ house. “Do you want some wine?”

Caduceus smiled and nodded, while he didn’t drink alcohol often, he understood the importance of gifting and communicating through drinks. Especially those from the earth, from families. He drank from his usual mug while she opted to drink from the bottle.

They fell into another silence and Beau almost wondered if (and maybe even hoped that) Caduceus was asleep when she took another drink and spoke again.

“Can I ask you something?”

“I’m all ears.” He responded genuinely.

She took a long pull from the bottle before asking softly, “When we spoke with the Bright Queen about the prisoner, you had mentioned that you might be able to do a kind of magic that, like, changes memories. Did you ever happen to look into that at all?”

“I really haven’t had a chance. Even if I had, I think I would have been hesitant knowing the dangers involved.”

“That makes sense.” Beau responded, trying her hardest to sound indifferent as she took a small drink.

“Are you asking from a research standpoint?” Caduceus asked in a way that was generously indirect given the subject matter.

“Yeah, of course.” Beau answered a little too quickly, drawing out the words a little too long to be convincing. “I was just curious about, like, certain specifications of it.”

“Anything in particular?”

She drank again. “Just, like, uh, how precise it could be? If you could take away certain moments or, you know, thoughts, or feelings, or something, but keep everything else, totally hypothetically?”

“I don’t mean to pry, but given today’s events, does this have to do with your family?” His voice was gentle, not putting an ounce of pressure on her to answer.

“No. No, I mean that’s going to take awhile to wrap my head around, but it’s, uh, okay, you know?” She fumbled for the right words.

“It doesn’t seem very okay.”

“Yeah. It’s not, but I think you were right, I think it will work out however it’s supposed to. It’s going to take some fucking time, but everything that happened with them brought me here, so I don’t think I’d change it, I guess.”

Caduceus nodded. “I understand that. I know you carry a lot of pain and anger, I just never took you as the kind of person who would go to those extremes to forget it.” 

“Yeah. I mean I do and I’m sure we’d all like to get rid of our pain or anger or trauma or whatever, but it’s really not like that. I think I’m dealing with those experiences or trying to, they’ve at least given me perspective.”

“I agree. I can see you growing. I think we all can.” Caduceus paused. “Is there something else you’d like to forget?”

Beau took a long pull. “It’s, I mean, it’s, uh, complicated. It’s just something I’m afraid might change my standing with the group. I just. It’d just be easier if it wasn’t there.”

Caduceus took a sip from his mug. “Is this about Jester?”

“I’m actually going to fucking kill Nott. What the fuck did she say to you?” Beau put the bottle down and put her head in her hands, chuckling softly, defeated, but almost relieved that it wasn’t something she had to say out loud.

“Nott, really? I wouldn’t have guessed she’d be the person you would confide in. I suppose it makes sense though, she sort of does have the most experience with successful relationships. I really wouldn’t have expected you to confide in anyone, that’s nice” Caduceus smiled, almost to himself.

Beau looked up from her hands, turning to face her friend. “Hold up, if she didn’t tell you, how did you know?”

“I’m probably the most perceptive member of the group and although you are getting better, you still aren’t the best at being subtle. Even if I weren’t so perceptive, I know you’re closer to her and we had both mentioned the possibility of having that kind of magic, but there’s a reason you asked me instead.”

“Fuck man.” Beau just stared at the ground. “I’m sorry, that isn’t why I wanted to take watch with you. I didn’t expect to actually ask about it, it’s just been on my mind.”

“Hey, it’s okay, I know. I’m glad we have a chance to talk.” Caduceus reassured her.

“I am too.” Beau almost smiled.

Caduceus chose his words carefully. “All of you welcomed me right away. Even after getting your friends back. You barely knew me. For me, it felt like a sign, but none of you had to bring me along”

“You helped us, without knowing us. Sure, the dead people tea thing took a little getting used to, but we could all tell you were a good fucking person.”

Caduceus smiled at his mug, taking another drink himself. “I’m sure when they first met you, they could see the good in you too.”

“I mean, not exactly. Believe it or not, I’m not that fucking great at making friends and I was even worse at it then.”

“Sure, but they at the very least gave you the benefit of the doubt.”

“Maybe, or maybe it was just out of convenience.” She shrugged.

“You don’t think any of them saw the good in you in the beginning?”

She took a moment to think and take a swig. “Maybe Jester, maybe even Fjord. I don’t know.” Beau practically whispered.

“They certainly wouldn’t have stuck with you this long out of convenience.”

“I know. This is my family now.”

“So they believed in you even back then or maybe just gave you the benefit of the doubt. But now, we’ve become a family. After all that we’ve all been through, is this really worth dabbling in something that dangerous?”

Beau took several pulls from the wine bottle and didn’t say anything for a long time. Caduceus wasn’t sure if she would.

“I just don’t want to ruin this.” She finally sighed.

“Why are you so opposed to being honest with her?” He asked so earnestly it almost hurt.

“Look, I know you’re all about honesty, but I don’t want to lose her. I can’t lose her.” Beau took another drink.

“You know she wouldn’t abandon you for telling her how you feel?”

The fact that Caduceus didn’t immediately picture the rejection and fall out that had been running through Beau’s mind almost softened her resolve.

“I don’t know if I know that.” Beau’s voice cracked. “Even if I don’t tell her, what if she finds out? She has so much going on, this is the last thing she needs. It could make her uncomfortable. It could make Fjord uncomfortable if he finds out. What if he likes her too? What if it changes things?”

“It might, but I know them well enough to know that they won’t let it change things for the worst. You said yourself that they were the two people who might have even believed in you from the start. Even if she doesn’t feel the same, she’s not going to think any differently of you and if she does feel the same, Fjord won’t let it come between any of you. They love you. We all love you. Family is complicated, but if you don’t let it change things negatively, neither will they. I can see what you feel for her, I can see how it’s weighing on you and I’m just worried you’ll regret it if you don’t tell her. I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is. All I can tell you is to think about it and in all fairness, if you do that, I’ll look into the details of the spell.”

“You’d really do that?” Beau practically whimpered.

Caduceus sighed, finishing the wine in his mug.

“I will, I don’t do my research like you and mister Caleb, but I have my own ways. I’ll commune with the Wild Mother and let you know what I find out. Although, I can’t promise I’d ever be willing to do it. You do realize how extreme this spell is for something that’s a simple part of life?”

“I mean. I know. You’re right. I just. It just doesn’t feel simple. I don’t know.” Beau took a moment to breathe, and harden her features. Briefly looking embarrassed to have been so vulnerable.

“You trust us with your life, right?”

“Everyday.” She nodded, still staring at the ground in front of her.

“You trust her with your life?” He asked so carefully it seemed like he was afraid the question might break her.

“More than anyone.” She turned and gave him a small smile. “Before you joined us, she was the cleric. The only one.”

“It might be okay to trust her with your heart too. You’re allowed to feel good things, Beau. Not everything has to hurt. You deserve good things.”

She gave a soft noncommittal grunt like she wasn’t sure if she could believe him. She couldn’t look him in the eyes. “Thanks, Cad. For everything.”

“Just do me a favor?”

“Anything.” Beau nodded.

“Get some sleep. You’ve been through years worth of emotions in a matter of days.”

Beau grabbed Caduceus and pulled him in for a tight hug. When they released each other, she stood up, nodded at him again and found a place to lie down before passing out almost instantaneously. He sighed, smiled sadly at the sweet, terrified, sleeping monk, shook his head and kept an eye out for the rest of their watch.


End file.
